WHY DO WE TEND TO LIVE FOR OTHERS?

We are all the same.

We all need to feel loved and accepted.

We fear judgment, we fear rejection, abandonment.

The Fear of judgment

Between conditioning our parents and society to please and be suitable for adults, it is evident that our inner children are afraid of being judged.

And who says judged, says criticized, not validated in his being. Which leads to a potential abandonment or rejection ...

However, according to Kafka, we are still the worst judges for ourselves!

The fear of being rejected

Not only are we afraid of being judged, but we are also afraid of being rejected.

So to be accepted, to be part of the group, we put aside what we are and we try to adapt, even if it means losing sight of each other.

Low self-esteem

How to be yourself when you have low self-esteem?

If you don't trust yourself, your self-esteem is low, you won't let yourself live and reveal yourself to others. You will copy those who seem best to you, hoping to be loved.

Individuation and alienation

Individuation

(refers to the process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the identities of others and begins to consciously exist as a human in the world)

Carl Jung uses the term “self” to refer to the psychic wholeness of an individual. The latter is made up of the ego, the id, also known as the unconscious, and the superego, or subconscious.

Still according to him, each person develops and tends to become fully aware of himself. This is what he calls the process of individuation - the process by which a person distinguishes himself from others, by becoming aware of his deep individuality.

By being aware of your individuality, it will be easier for you to accept yourself, to love yourself and to live for yourself!

Alienation

We will focus here on the philosophical meaning of the term alienation. According to Larousse's definition, alienation is “the situation of someone who is dispossessed of what constitutes their essential being, their reason for being, for living.”

When you are far from your essential being, from your deep aspirations, how can you succeed in living for yourself?

BUT THEN HOW DO YOU LIVE FOR YOURSELF

Living for yourself is like happiness. It is not a fixed state that is reached once and that is acquired by us.

The inconstancies of life make us unable to be in tune with ourselves.

Having said that, we can still learn to live for ourselves.

Here are some tips for getting there:

1- By accepting WHAT IS

This Buddhist wisdom of acceptance changes the perception of life.

To accept is not to agree to or rejoice in certain traumatic or unfair events ... it is just

accepting that what has been has been, and that what is, is.

By letting go of the events you can't change, you focus on those you can take action on ... and ideally, you take action!

2- By showing kindness to oneself.

Feeling good with yourself, accepting yourself as you are, embracing yourself ... all of this is a learning process that takes time, perseverance, and training.

Measure every effort on your path, you will see that you are making progress.

There are no small victories!

3- Starting with loving yourself

“You have to learn to love. Love yourself first so that you can love others. "

~Jean Claude Van Damme

What if you filled your needs yourself, rather than looking for the solution in others?

If you start by giving yourself the love, recognition and admiration that you seek in others, you will gradually have less need to please them.

And besides, as Jean Claude Van Damme said, without loving yourself, you won't be able to love others.

4- By learning to question and listen to yourself.

What drives me? What do I like ? What do I want ? What do I need?

Listening, identifying your needs and values ​​is an important step in being well with yourself and in learning to live well for yourself.

By being clear about your aspirations, you can then decide the direction you want to take.

5- By asserting oneself.

Can't you say no? Or on the contrary, do you say no all the time, even when you would like to say yes?

Without passing judgment on your answers, ask yourself what is preventing you from responding honestly to outside requests.

Is it the fear of being rejected? To be called selfish? Or even worse, to pass for a bad person?

To honestly say what's on our mind - when asked - is not selfishness. On the contrary, it is being in tune with what we are feeling.

6- By stopping judging yourself.

"Nothing deceives us as much as our judgment."

~ Leonardo Da Vinci

Obviously, if you still can't love yourself, it's because you have a very difficult self-judgment.

We all judge ourselves, and each other. The important thing is, I believe, to be aware of these judgments, without judging them, and to ignore them.

Easier said than done, yes, but recognizing that we too judge, is a good start.

7- By taking responsibility.

It is easier to put up with your life, to live according to the expectations of others and to blame them for it ... rather than to take charge of your life.

As a child, you depend on your parents and other adults to survive. But when you become an adult, you no longer depend on anyone: you are responsible for your happiness.

So yes it is scary.

It means that you are responsible for your actions and that you will have to assume the consequences. But that's also how you begin to live for yourself

8- By returning to your body.

All of your emotions are expressed in your body. As you learn to listen to it, you begin to understand what you really want.

For some, it is easier to make a decision by listening to body signals, especially when thoughts and beliefs swirl and give conflicting answers.

The body never lies. He knows.

Practices such as meditation, the philosophy of yoga, but also sport and physical activities allow a better understanding and bodily listening, while increasing self-esteem!

Sandra F Lakkis

Sunday, 7 February 2021